The Birds & The Bees Emmett Style!
by UnicornGoddess95
Summary: How does Bella get unglued from Edward? Find out and prepare to laugh! Complete for now...maybe I'll come up with more hilarity.
1. Emmett Pops The Question

_A/N: All characters are the property and creation of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just having fun embarrassing them. _

_I need to give credit where credit is due. First off huge **hugs** to ECABS!! She is the creator of the original 'The Birds and the Bees'. If you have not read it, check it out! Carlisle has 'the talk' with Edward. It's absolutely brilliant. She was also a huge support and helper on this project. _

_I also want to plug the fan fic by genealogygirl—'Try it on Your Piano'. I used a piano reference that is similar to her story and her story is awesome. Being an ex-band geek, I had to use the little piano line about Emmett and Rose. _

**The 'Birds & the Bees'—Emmett Style**

My body couldn't stop; I was pacing all over the house. The laundry was done, dishes put away and dinner was even ready for Charlie in the fridge. I had nothing left to do, except wait.

Edward should be here any minute to pick me up. We were planning a fun-filled afternoon at his house. From what Edward had told me, Emmett and Jasper had bought a barbeque grill and were _dying_ to try it out on creating some human cuisine for their one and only human, me. I was somewhat nervous about the thought of them cooking for me. I could trust Edward's cooking, prom proved that, but Emmett and Jasper? Those two would have more entertainment playing with the fire needed to start the grill instead of the food that was supposed to be prepared on it. I smiled at the thought of this. I'm sure I was in for a few laughs today. The whole idea made me go to the kitchen cupboard to grab a few granola bars and promptly stuff them in my bag. Just in case.

I went out to the living room with the intent to sit and read until Edward arrived. I opened my tattered old copy of _Romeo and Juliet _and prepared to impatiently read. I barely read a few lines when I heard a soft knock on the door. I grabbed my stuff, flew to the door to open it only to be disappointed. It wasn't Edward at my door.

Emmett stood there with a wicked smile on is face. I could tell he was laughing on the inside. I was a little upset since I had been planning my romantic greeting strategy to execute on Edward. Emmett must have read my subtle disappointment.

"You can kiss me if you like, but I don't think Edward would appreciate it." He laughed.

"What are you doing here?" I asked curiously.

"Well, Edward and Alice are running a little late coming back from Seattle. They called and asked me if I would pick you up." He reached out to me and playfully ruffled my hair like a big brother would do to annoy his sister.

"Emmett, stop that." I said as I playfully punched him in his rock-hard stomach.

"It's too much fun to ruffle you up." He smirked. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah…" Was all I was able to get out before Emmett picked me up and slung me over his huge shoulder, carrying me to his jeep. I was in the seat, strapped in snugly by the 5-point harness before I could blink. Emmett was obviously enjoying himself. He walked to the driver's side, got in and started his monstrosity of a jeep. His vehicle fit his personality to a tee.

"Well, you're obviously in a good mood today." I stated amused.

"It's not everyday I get to spend some quality time with my favorite human." He mused.

"You mean the only human that will put up with you." I corrected.

"Ha, yeah something like that." His expression started to fade from the over-happy persona to a more serious note. "No, I uh actually wanted to talk to you about something. It's personal though."

I looked at him confused. "Well shoot, we're practically family."

"Bella, I don't know how to really bring this up, but I want to for Edward's sake. I live with him. I see his…frustration. I mean...hello...he lives in a house with three sexually happy couples. He has it the worst since he not only has enhanced hearing, but he can hear and see our thoughts, too. I don't know how he does it. I'm waiting for him to self-implode."

I coughed, choking on the air around me. Was he mental? Why was he asking me this? I loved Emmett like a big brother, but talking about me and Edward's lack of a sex life was worse than having this conversation with Charlie. Even worse was the fact that Edward would probably read Emmett's thoughts and know this conversation took place. I rolled my eyes and spoke. "Emmett, what makes you think I want to have this conversation?"

"I didn't say you would like to have it. I was more curious, and concerned. The tension is almost too much to watch, especially when somebody in the house is having an 'intimate moment' these days. He usually leaves…you know, there is a reason he likes to spend the night at your house." He laughed at his comments.

I looked at Emmett, my face must have displayed the sheer terror my mind felt at the direction our conversation was going. "Emmett, what _exactly_ are you saying?" I asked breathlessly.

"Well…I was wondering if you guys are ever going to, you know, hit home base." He shot me an evil grin, and faced forward, pretending to put all his effort into driving.

"Emmett, Edward has his 'boundaries' in place and until he changes his mind, or changes me, we are pretty much stuck at first base." I could not believe I was telling him this.

"First base?" He choked. "You mean to tell me after all this time you two have only hit first base?" He glanced at me in amazement.

"Yep, that's pretty much it." I replied.

He let out a long whistle. "Wow, that boy has more willpower than I'd thought."

"You have no idea." I sighed. "_He's _the one that has to keep _me _in check."

"Seriously?" Emmett snorted.

"Uh…yeah. You should know him by now…little mister perfect gentleman. I don't think he knows how to be naughty." I said amused, until I felt my face flush red as my mind reminded me of the private information I was disclosing to Emmett.

He laughed so loud and hard his jeep felt like it was rolling over those annoying warning grooves on the highway edges. I could tell he was fighting to keep his eyes open enough just to drive.

"You ok over there?" I asked in utter amusement.

I could see that Emmett was fighting to regain his composure. I sat and stared out the window, bewildered that we were having this conversation and dreading the moment I would be in a room with Emmett and Edward. I could guarantee that Emmett was going to be bear bait once Edward discovered this conversation.

Emmett smiled his wicked grin and tried to straighten in his seat. "Bella, so you are telling me that _he _is the one holding you guys back?"

"Didn't I just tell you about our little boundary-based love life?" I mocked.

"Ha! I guess you did. So how far have you guys been? I mean have you ever even seen him naked?"

I let out a shocked laugh and looked at Emmett. "Naked? Yeah right. Not unless seeing him with his shirt off counts? How about those skimpy gym shorts he wears? I guess that means no. Hmm…but you know, I wouldn't _mind_ seeing him sprawled on his couch posing like Greek god for my own personal entertainment. I'd forfeit those boundaries in a heartbeat."

I could see Emmett smiling at me and trying his damnest not to laugh. I took a moment to think about what just flowed from my mouth like a cascading waterfall. I felt the blood rush to my face and I looked away embarrassed. _Damn him! How does he always pull these confessions out of me? He's worse than Edward. _

"Well you know I've seen him naked…" Emmett mused. "You'd enjoy the scenery." He let out a loud laugh.

I stared at Emmett, dumbfounded and at a loss for words. How could he sit there and tell _me_ that I'd 'enjoy the scenery'. He was mental. I felt the insane urge to grab one of those granola bars in my bag and chuck it at his head, even though I might as well throw a feather at his head, would probably hurt just the same.

"You do look cute when you're mad, Edward's right about that." He joked.

"I'm not trying to look cute, Emmett."

"You know that I'm sure he's seen you naked by now." Emmett laughed.

"How in the hell would you know that?" I scoffed.

"Well, think about it." He stated and rolled his eyes. "He can _only_ read minds and that includes images need I remind you. After all those weeks of Alice coming over to help you dress and shower after you got home from Phoenix, you are really going to sit there and tell me that he didn't take one itsy-bitsy-teeny-weenie-little peek through her thoughts?" He laughed and muttered to himself. "If he didn't, I may have to disown him for being too much of a prude."

I felt all the color drain from my face at what Emmett had just disclosed. _ He peeked? _

"Come on Emmett, do you really think that _he_, mister goody-two-shoes, would stoop so low to peek at me in the shower with Alice." _I hope he didn't. What did he see? _

"Um…I would." Emmett was shaking with laughter.

"Emmett!" I yelled. "You are unbelievable." I started secretly looking around the cab of his jeep for something to throw that _could _hurt if I lobbed it at his head. The small portable fire extinguisher was tempting.

"No seriously, Bella. I want to see you guys happy and _satisfied._ It pains me to see you guys like this. I couldn't last a week without being with Rose."

"Well, that explains why he is never home when you two are home alone." I stated sarcastically.

"Of course, we tend to get a little carried away from time to time." He smirked.

"Is that why he was polishing the piano last week?" I asked curiously.

"Ha…you are observant aren't you?"

"You guys did it…on his piano…and are here to tell the tale?" I gawked, my eyes huge.

"Bella, it's not the first time we've used his piano. Just one of the few times we've been caught."

My mind suddenly conjured up a visual of Emmett and Rosalie on top of Edward's piano, wrapped passionately in each other's arms. Part of me was jealous that Edward and I could not embrace like that, the other was part was disgusted at the thought of it. The next time Edward desired a romantic moment at the piano with me, I was positive Emmett and Rose would 'pop' into my mind. I shook my head.

"Emmett." I said seriously. "You know Edward and I can't take our relationship any further. As Edward says, I'm too fragile, too breakable."

"Do you really think that Bella? Have you ever _tried _to seduce him?"

"Have you ever tried to seduce a brick wall?" I shot back. "Not to mention he's, ohh let's see, a million times stronger than me. Trust me, it wouldn't work." I turned and stared at the road ahead of us, fuming.

"I just think he is suffering from a huge case of 'stage fright'." Emmett smirked while chancing a glance at me.

I turned and glared at him. "Stage fright? Get real Emmett."

"I am! I mean, think about it Bella. He's 106 years old and has _never_ been with a woman. Don't you think he's a little nervous? With 106 years of knowledge, I'd expect some pretty amazing things from him if I were you." He snickered.

"Emmett, he's only been to medical school twice, I think he's 'got the concept'. I quipped.

"I never said that he didn't know the mechanics of it all. That would be him though, disrupt the moment being all 'intellectual'." He frowned. "That just can't be romantic."

"Well, Emmett, some of us are attracted to each other by non-physical traits." I scoffed.

"So intellect is his version of foreplay?" He asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Emmett, my god, it will happen eventually…and I'm sure Edward will plan some huge 'gala' affair for us." I smiled at the thought.

Emmett disrupted my thought with is absurd laughter. "Well…If I were you at that affair, I wouldn't blink…the minute man's going to be a one-shot wonder." His head fell back against his seat, his body consumed by laughter.

My face flushed and I could feel the heat build up beneath my cheeks. I reached for the portable fire extinguisher in the bracket mounted to the side door and flung it at his head. His speedy vampire reflexes kicked in as he dodged it gracefully. I saw the extinguisher fly out the window and tumble to a nearby ditch. I sighed, crossed my arms over my chest and readjusted myself in my seat, hoping to display my anger.

"You missed." He smirked.

"It's the _thought_ that counts." I muttered.

"Bella, I'm sorry. I _honestly_ just wanted to talk to you. Being passionately loved by your mate is one of the greatest feelings one can ever experience. Not to mention all the toys, costumes, high heels, and various 'personal' lubricants. The new tingling kind was pretty erotic. Rose enjoyed it… a lot I might add."

"Emmett!!" I shouted in a desperate effort to get him off topic.

His booming laughter filled the jeep.

I started to feel relief when I saw the turn off to their house. _We're almost there, thank God!_

As the monstrous jeep made the final curve, I could see the Cullen mansion. To Emmett's utter disbelief, Edward was standing in the driveway. A smile of giddy delight played across his face. I groaned knowing Edward was prying into our conversation.

I turned to look at Emmett and playfully gave him my best smile. "Oh, you're in trouble…Edward once told me your mind was like a lake with no shadows." I started laughing so hard my ribs hurt. I quickly pointed my index finger at Emmett and shouted, "Bear bait!"

Emmett glared back, a look of pain on his face. Was he trying to suppress his thoughts? The jeep rolled to a stop and Edward approached. I practically lunged out of Emmett's jeep and grabbed Edward's shirt, trying to pull him to the house.

"Come on Edward, let's go." I stated quickly.

"Hold on Bella." He laughed. "This is good." He smirked as he was staring at Emmett with his most crooked grin. He gently put his arm around my waist and continued to stare down Emmett, obviously probing his mind.

He tightened his grip on my waist, looked down at me. His face held a look of amusement twisted with pain. He smiled his best smile and questioned, "I'm…not naughty?"

_A/N: Next chapter—Edward's reactions to the play by play of their conversation. Will Edward finally want to take Bella to second base? _


	2. Edward's Wrath

**Edward's Wrath**

_A/N: All characters are the creation and property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just have a great time embarrassing them. _

_I need to give huge, huge kudos and thanks to ECABS, Wendi, and Marcy from the lexicon for helping me starve off writer's block. I also want to thank all who reviewed and enjoyed my first chapter. The response was not expected and it actually gave me my own case of stage fright. So thanks everyone! _

_If you want to read the original The Birds and the Bees, check out ECABS work, it is hilarious! You can see Bella try to seduce Edward…will she succeed? Read and find out! Another influence in my comedy is the fantastic MarcyJ. Check out her Cullenary Education: Forks Sex Ed. Any similarities between our works of fiction are intentional and used with permission. _

_Oh and need I remind everyone, this fic is a joke, a spoof, a funny idea that gets carried away for the purpose of your enjoyment. If you feel there is something wrong or have comments. Contact me in a constructive way. If you feel there is a similarity to something else on fan fiction, please contact me. I cannot fix what I do not know. _

_Many references and jokes also come from our conversations from The Twilight Lexicon. I consider what we laugh and joke about to be public knowledge and my writing is my way to take the jokes further. No infringement or plagiarism intended. _

_Now…on with the embarrassment…err, I mean story:_

As I stood next to my beloved Edward, I noticed a feeling of creeping doom slowly spread over me. I silently thought to myself…_this can't be happening_. My face was beet red, my cheeks hot and I absently noticed my hands were balled up into little fists. The conversation that Emmett spawned in the jeep seemed to be seeping from Emmett's mind right to Edward's. Yup, Emmett and I were both bear bait.

Edward's original reaction was this pain-twisted smirk of delight as he reiterated my statement of him being 'naughty'. I could guarantee what thought first popped into Emmett's mind when he saw Edward. I sniffed and tried to stand still next to the love of my life, waiting patiently for my barrage of embarrassment.

"So, Emmett." Edward stated. "Did you enjoy ruffling up my girl?"

"I was just having some brotherly fun." Emmett stated sheepishly.

"R-i-g-h-t." Edward stated dragging the word out. "So 'brotherly' that when she answered the door your first thought was a kiss." I felt Edward's body quickly shake with a small laugh.

Edward's fingers were softly tracing circles on my side as he glared at Emmett. I chanced a glance at his face to see his smirk disappear. His face now displayed hardness, his lips were pressed into a firm line and his brow furrowed.

"Self-implode…" he muttered. "Home base…" His arm pulled me closer. "Emmett!" He hissed. "I stay at Bella's house because I like to." He finished his statement by exhaling a loud breath.

"Well, brother, I can't help but notice the obvious. I mean if Rose and I are home alone, you make it _well _known that you don't want to be there." Emmett glanced at me and flashed a quick smile.

"If you and Rose wouldn't purposefully exaggerate every little thing you do, maybe I wouldn't have to evacuate the premises." Edward mocked.

Edward suddenly turned to me, his face shocked, no almost horrified. It felt like he was desperately trying to find some answer on my face. I tried to smile, wondering what thought had just flown through Edward's mind from Emmett. I vowed to myself to seek some sort of silly revenge on Emmett. I thought I just might have to exchange their new 'tingling' gel for something else not so pleasant. A touch of super glue came to mind, they're vampires…a little glue can't hurt. Edward's voice snapped me out of my little plotting session.

"Greek god…posing…for your _personal enjoyment_?" Edward leaned over, released his grip and doubled over in laughter. I felt my face burn with embarrassment.

"Oh my god, she redder than the M3!" Emmett snorted.

I stood there, my face on fire, wishing with all my might that I _had_ smacked the schmuck with the fire extinguisher in the head. At least I would have gotten something out of this shenanigan. Then, in an all-too-fast vampire-style gesture, Edward reached up and touched my blazing cheek with his perfectly slender and long fingers. It felt like a small glacier slid across my face. I waved his hand away and took a step back from him while shooting glares at the both of them.

"You should ask Emmett how _he_ 'enjoyed the scenery'!" I stated sarcastically. Edward turned to stare at Emmett, obviously waiting for the 'transmission' of that part of our conversation. Seeming like Emmett was an instant replay machine, Edward's face suddenly looked mortified like he was a deer staring in some headlights.

"Do I even want to know why you had to tell Bella this?" Edward asked in an all too smooth voice. I secretly laughed to myself at how good Edward's control could be, especially in an embarrassing moment such as this. It's not everyday your brother tells _your_ girlfriend how hot _your_ body is. I fought to suppress the smile that was fighting to creep on to my lips.

In an instant the dynamics changed. One minute Edward was standing next to me, staring at Emmett and waiting for him to 'broadcast' more of our conversation; the next, Edward leapt into the air, over the jeep and crashed right into Emmett like a rock. The thunderous "crack" made me involuntarily jump. _So much for control. _

The trees next to the driveway were wobbling as I watched what looked like a blurring ball of twigs and moss bounce around like a ball in a pinball table. I could hear bits and pieces of their conversation. I was sure they thought they were talking too fast for the likes of my human ears, but little did they know, running with the vampires for so long, my human hearing had learned to adapt.

"How…could…you…tell her that!" Edward said.

"It's obvious brother." Emmett replied as they slammed into a pine tree sending a shower of needles flittering into the air.

"I did...not _take_ an 'itsy'…peek!" Edward's voice sounded furious coming from the rolling cyclone. It seemed that even though Emmett had Edward in the strength department, his speed and agility more than made them an even match. I ran over to the edge of the driveway where the terrain turned to smooshy green forest.

"Will you two idiots stop!" I yelled as loud as humanly possible with no effect. I rolled my eyes and stood patiently while their romp in the weeds continued.

"So…" Emmett grunted as my eyes caught him pinning Edward to the forest floor. "…you are…telling me…hmmpft…you didn't get…one…peek."

Edward suddenly slipped out from beneath Emmett and flung him around, Edward's feet pressed firmly into his torso. I could only gasp in amazement as Edward landed on top of Emmett with cat-like grace, slamming him to the ground. He looked at Emmett with an air of victory and in a low, growling voice and muttered, "I'm not a prude."

Emmett quickly reached up, grabbed Edward around the neck, like he was giving him a brotherly bear hug, and then flipped him backwards into the nearest tree. Edward's chest heaved and he pushed up from the ground like a predator lurching at its prey. Alas, the brawl of the rolling brush ball continued.

As I stood there watching them in disbelief, I felt a sudden unearthly breeze next to me. I looked to my left to see Jasper standing there with a wide, mischievous grin.

"Are they brawling without me again?" Jasper mused while he pondered the situation for a moment. "W-o-w emotions are running high today." He laughed. "Here, I'll stop the battle of the bushes."

I instantly felt a wave of calmness flow through my very being. My muscles relaxed, my breathing slowed. I wanted to let all my muscles give up and fall to the ground. I opted to lean against the Jeep instead. I noticed the blurry ball that was Edward and Emmett started to come to a slow halt. They both stopped and looked at Jasper with calm, yet somewhat frustrated glares.

"Jasper, stay out of this!" Edward tried to yell, the calming wave was obviously taking him over.

"Not a chance!" Jasper smirked.

I had to smile. The sight before me was breathtaking and ironic all the same. Edward and Emmett were walking towards Jasper and I, occasionally throwing small punches at each other, with twigs and moss stuck in their disheveled hair and their clothes covered in soot. It seemed unfair that even covered in dirt and debris they still resembled runway models, my own personal eye candy.

Edward's eyes met mine as he walked up next to me leaning against the jeep. He leaned down, placed a tender kiss on my jaw and whispered, "let's go inside" in my ear. My heart rate started to run wild. It's not every day I got to see him all dirty. The twigs, leaves and moss covered his clothes like he has just finished playing hours worth of football with Emmett. For some reason it was quite exciting, my body responded uncontrollably.

"You better behave, Edward." Jasper mused. "You're going to kill her from over-excitement."

My eyes snapped open and my head darted sideways to glare at Jasper. _He could tell what I was feeling for Edward at that moment? _As normal, my human reflexes betrayed me. My cheeks were red once again. I rolled my eyes and then looked down at the ground, trying to hide my embarrassment. Nothing was secret in this company.

Obviously, Edward was able to read Jasper's mind and discover what type of 'over-excitement' he was causing in my body at the moment. Edward grabbed my reluctant hands and pulled me away from the Jeep. He placed his arms on my shoulders, his hands started to caress my neck and stared at me with an all-too-evil grin.

"I thought I aroused you as much as a brick wall." He was fighting to keep the smirk off his face as he spoke, but I knew too well. He was ready to burst out laughing. "I didn't know you were _that_ aroused by me?" He finished.

I looked at him, trying to act angry. Emmett and Jasper were both laughing in the background. I was speechless. _Damn you Emmett!_ I peered around Edward and shot Emmett my best death glare; it caused him to practically fall to the ground in hysterical laughter. I tried to stay calm and composed; even though, I was wishing I could lunge at the idiot and pin him to the forest floor.

Edward then took me by surprise. He grabbed me by the waist and lifted me up so my lips could meet his. His sweet, icy lips kissed mine with more passion than our normal kisses. He pulled and teased my lower lip and then crushed his mouth to mine. Through the fog that was now my mind, I guessed that he was kissing me like this on purpose, I would not complain, but his sudden emotion made my body tighten and tingle for him in ways unimaginable for us.

"Cheater." I whispered when my lips were free and I could finally speak again. He pulled back, smiling and full of himself.

"I know the brick wall theory is now a myth." He stated with a vengeance.

"What do you want…a medal?" I whispered.

"Now, now my brother." Jasper interjected. "Don't think you're getting off easy in this. I felt your emotions while you and Emmett wanted to play weed-whack. You're hiding something from Bella." Jasper looked at Edward in amusement.

I ducked out from Edward's arms and looked at him, waiting for his rebuttal. Or should I say confession? I noticed a sudden feeling infiltrate my body. I felt that if I was asked a question, I could not lie to save my soul if I had to. I started to giggle, realizing this was Jasper's handy work. I had to ask Edward a _good_ question, and fast.

"So do I arouse you, my dear Edward?" I asked nonchalantly.

"Of course. " He rolled his eyes. "I've told you before, I _am a man_." His reply flowed all too freely from his lips.

"I soften up his mind with a little truth-wave and you ask him the obvious?" Jasper laughed. "Why don't you ask him if he did _sneak a peek_?"

I stiffened and looked at Edward. "Did you?" I asked with weakened breath.

He looked ill at that question. In the seconds that passed after I asked, his face went blank, his body rigid, his mouth was trying to form words with no success.

"I think I have my answer." I frowned while looking at him. I felt extremely upset that he never told me he caught a peek of me in a private moment with Alice.

He was suddenly at my feet on his knees, babbling like an idiot.

"I'm sorry Bella. I meant to tell you, but…I was…ah, too afraid you would be mad. I didn't mean to see, it just sort of…happened. You see, you remember the night I took you to see _RENT_ in Port Angeles. You and Alice were running a little behind schedule and, as I was driving over to pick you up, I saw Alice and you in your bedroom getting dressed." He looked at me with panicked eyes and continued his confession. "I quite enjoyed the image don't get me wrong. You are so beautiful, soft, and attractive. The vision drove my senses mad all evening, I couldn't stop thinking about it and how much I really did want you like a man should want a woman. Please, don't be mad. I should have told you. I'm sorry, Bella, I really am." His eyes held mine, golden and beautiful.

My mind's initial reaction was fury and embarrassment. Those feelings quickly dissolved. With Jasper's truth-wave still working, I couldn't be mad at him. "I forgive you," I whispered. "So tell me, what is really keeping you from consummating our relationship?"

He stood and placed his hands on my hips, I felt his body go rigid as a plank. His lips twitched like he was trying to say something other than what was flowing freely from his mouth. "Maybe Emmett's right, maybe I _do_ have stage fright." He shrugged, I absently noticed laugher coming from somewhere next to me, but was too wrapped up in the moment to pay further notice to it. "I am over a hundred years old and have no experience other than being able to notate every anatomical part and define every function, what good is _that_ going to do me." He sniffed, frustrated at his mind's conundrum. "Not to mention the fact that I'm petrified to the core that I would hurt you in some way. I'm sure you could imagine the control issues of a 106 year old virgin." He looked down, embarrassed at his confession.

"I think it's cute that…" I went to reply, to say something to ease his nerves on the issue, but suddenly I felt reality crash back upon us. My eyes looked around to see Emmett and Jasper ready to fall to the ground with laughter. Edward's hands dropped from my waist and his body froze. His eyes seemed to ignite with fury. I could guarantee he was irate at the involuntary confession he just spat.

"I was right!" Emmett practically yelled as he did what looked like some sort of sick and twisted touchdown happy dance.

Jasper stood there, staring at the two of us. "Oh, you two seriously need to 'get a room'. You both got it so bad." His face formed a cute, seductive grin.

"Jasper!" Edward hissed. "Keep your opinion and emotion-controlling ability out of this."

"But…it's sooo much fun when your little brother admits he has 'stage fright'." Emmett said in a mock pout.

I grabbed the back of Edward's shirt in a futile attempt to keep him from pulverizing Emmett or Jasper. "Let's just go inside and let these two buffoons attempt to cook their wieners on the grill." I let out a laugh at my innuendo.

Edward grabbed my hand and started to practically drag me to the house. I could tell he was irate. I heard Emmett and Jasper yelling at us as we walked away.

"There's a reason he can play the piano so well, it's the only thing his hands _are _good at." Emmett exclaimed.

"Ha…you mean he can't even play pocket pool." Jasper stated.

Edward spun around quicker than a cheetah on crack. I felt his body tense, like he was preparing to vault into the weeds again.

"Just keep walking Edward." I said convincingly. "They are just trying to get a rise out of you."

"Well it worked didn't it?" He sighed, squeezing my hand a bit more.

"Don't worry, I have a plan." I mused.

Edward looked at me and arched one eyebrow. "A plan?"

"Yes, _a plan._ I'll tell you once we get to your room. I'll tell you once I can get my frustrations out."

"Is that what you're calling it these days." He mocked.

I rolled my eyes and decided to change the subject. "Where was Alice in all of this? She had to know what was going on."

"Oh she did. At first I wasn't paying attention to her. She's been up in her room reading one of my old medical texts from Harvard. She's reading the anatomy and physiology sections on the male and female reproductive systems to be exact. Her subtle way to enhance the situation I guess."

I burst out laughing as we reached the door. "She's thinks she's funny, eh?"

"You have no idea." Edward stated as he opened the door for me.

As we walked in, Esme was standing in the entryway, smiling.

"Is everything alright?" She asked in her sweet, motherly voice.

"Everything is fine, mom." Edward replied, his face straight. I stood there at Edward's mercy. I couldn't speak. _She knew! _

She looked at us with a curious expression. "Well, dears if you _need_ anything just ask, ok?"

"We will." He replied and Edward's grip on my hand tightened and he started to pull me up the stairs to his room.

Once we reached his room, he opened the door fast as lightening and escorted me in. The door was closed in a flash. Edward turned to look at me, his eyes glinting with topaz goodness. He then gracefully leapt to his couch and struck a 'pose', obviously trying to imitate the Greek god from the conversation. He looked at me with his crooked smile.

"I thought you said you would forfeit our boundaries for this pose?" He eyed me seductively.

I scoffed, calling his bluff. "Hmm, you'll have to lose something first. Isn't it my turn to peek?"


	3. Bella and the Cookie Jar

**Bella and the Cookie Jar **

_A/N: All characters are the creation and property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just have a great time embarrassing them. _

_I want to give thanks to everyone who reviewed and enjoyed my story. I'm humbled by the response to one of my first ever fan fictions. Thanks everyone!!!! _

_Again, I'm sending a huge thanks to ECABS, MarcyJ, and Wendi. They influence me, beta read and give me ideas. I could not do this without them for many reasons. I love you gals! Check out their work: ECABS created the idea of The Birds and the Bees and MarcyJ took sex education to a whole new level in Cullenary Education: Forks Sex Ed. I also need to state that any similarities between our stories are intentional and used with permission. _

_ Many items of humor are also directly from endless hours on The Twilight Lexicon. Conversations and theories that seem to be popular belief may be woven into my work. No infringement or plagiarism is intended. Any unstated similarities are completely coincidental. _

_ I enjoy creating entertainment and my only goal is to make you laugh. _

_

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I scoffed, calling his bluff. "Hmm, you'll have to lose something first. Isn't it my turn to peek?"

Edward looked at me with a strange expression. His expression reminded me of a confused Greek god that just lost a match with Zeus on the football field.

"You can't be serious?" He questioned carefully, one eyebrow raised in suspicion.

"Hmm, and why not?" I stated somewhat angrily. I tried to stay focused on my angry charade. "You saw me, without telling me I might add, how fair is that?"

Edward jolted gracefully off his couch and stood in front of me. I could tell he was trying to dazzle me with his beautiful topaz eyes. I looked away.

"Stop it." I whispered.

"Bella," he stated, reaching for my face with his hands. I put my hands up to ward off his touch, he sighed. "I'm sorry, truly I am. I should have told you. "

"Why didn't you, I mean, did you think I'd be _that_ upset? You have always been a gentleman in all our nights together in my room." I crossed my arms across my chest and sighed. "You know, I would like to know what you saw."

I could see Edward's facial features change to display the utmost sincerity. I could see he was almost embarrassed at what he was about to say as his amber-rich eyes held mine.

"I feel terrible, like I betrayed you in some way." He confessed. "I saw you in your undergarments when Alice was taking off the cast wrappings and helping you get into the red strapless gown you wore that night." He looked down at the floor and continued. "You were so beautiful in the black corset set Alice forced you in to. So beautiful it made my head spin the entire evening. I couldn't get enough of you that night." He looked up and smiled.

"I remember." I whispered softly as my mind remembered the tender moments we shared in his Vanquish while parked on a cliff overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I blushed at the thought of our passionate kisses from that beautiful night. Part of me pondered if Alice had seen that Edward would _see_ me. That would explain the fancy contraption she conned me to wear that night. Edward's hand suddenly surprised me as it slowly caressed my clenched jaw.

"Bella." He soothed as he gently grabbed my arms, uncrossed them and pulled me to him. His frigid hands felt wonderful on my hot skin. He looked into my eyes and begged.

"Forgive me?" He questioned, eyes wide and begging for my forgiveness.

"I forgive you." I muttered.

He pulled me into his cool embrace and his hands drifted around my waist to play with the small area of skin exposed on my lower back. I looked up to him, waiting as he spoke.

"Your 'Greek God' wants a kiss." He joked while squeezing me closer to him.

"Great." I rolled my eyes playfully. "I inflated your ego as well." I chided with a small laugh.

He abruptly cut off my laugh as his velvet lips met mine in a spontaneous kiss. His lips felt blissfully cool and soft. He lifted me; our lips still interlocked, and slowly moved us towards his couch, sat down and gently stretched out to rest me directly on top of his body. It felt utterly wonderful to lay so close to his perfectly sculpted physique. I noticed every ounce of our contact and the closeness was driving my body into borderline hysterics. I kissed him back, taking his lower lip gently into my mouth and then releasing it. I heard a small groan of pleasure escape his lips, and then he put his lips to work detailing every inch of my neck and collarbone. I was momentarily amazed that he had not yet pulled away. I let my head fall back to expose more of my tempting skin for his hungry lips and let my hands wander to play with the back of his neck and run my fingers through his silky hair. I faintly noticed the small fragments of dirt and leaves as I tantalized him with my gentle strokes through his messy bronze hair.

His lips and breath drove my heart into wild palpitations as he once again reached my lips and pressed them against his. The increased intensity of his kiss felt amazing. As usual, my inability to control myself surfaced. I forgot all of our protective lines as I subconsciously wrapped my right leg around his left and pulled my body as close as possible in a desperate pull for more passion. I felt the corner of his lips turn upwards at my sudden move. I placed both my hands tenderly on the sides of his face and pulled him further into our kiss. My body was running wild with passion and I noticed that I was not the only one enjoying our bout on his couch. I smiled and pulled away slightly, breathless.

"I'm betting the _body_ is winning today." I mused and then placed a quick kiss on his sensuous lips.

He smiled and placed his lips to my forehead and pulled my face next to his neck in a sweet embrace. "Your bet would be correct." He whispered.

"Do you think…we will, ever…" I started to ask about the future of our relationship and was cut off by his glacial fingers meeting my lips.

"We will, Bella, I promise. It will be a special event for us. I've been practicing with ways to surprise you on that night." He muttered.

I started to giggle uncontrollably. "Practicing?" I managed to question. He then looked at me and rolled his eyes.

"You obviously misconstrued my words. I've been thinking of ways to proclaim my love for you that night." He paused. "It will be the 'gala' affair Emmett thinks it will be."

I smiled and placed a few teasing kisses on his smooth neck and caught his lips once again forming a satisfied smile. Even his skin tasted good. "When are you planning this event if I may ask."

He looked at me with his most evil grin. "Well, my prior offer is sort of a two-for-one deal."

I groaned. "What's not attached to your proposal?" I sighed, blowing my breath against his neck.

His strong stone arms wrapped around my body, his hands grabbed my hips and he slipped me up so my eyes were even with his. "My love." He whispered and then placed a romantic kiss on my lips. "I've waited 106 years for you to come into my existence, I think I can handle a few more"

"Not all of us are immortal." I mumbled.

He laughed and looked deep into my eyes, "Are we a little anxious, my love?"

I stared into the golden vortexes that were his eyes. "Always the perfect gentleman, Vegas is sounding more tempting by the minute." I smirked.

Edward looked at me with a confused expression, like he was wondering if that was a subtle 'yes'. I dreaded the day we would have to sit down and truly discuss his 'open' proposal. I loved him more than anything this world could offer and wanted to spend eternity with him. I knew the few days of physical pain would be nothing compared to the gift of his eternal love. I pulled my eyes away from his and focused on his neck and ear instead. I wanted to divert his attention from his open offer so I started placing light, teasing kisses on his jaw and ear. I felt his body suddenly tense and saw him close his eyes, obviously enjoying the affection.

"So tell me about this plan of yours." He whispered.

I stopped my kissing charade on his smooth, cool skin. "Well, Emmett mentioned that him and Rose like this tingling gel." I chuckled. "I was thinking we could, um…swap it for something…like superglue."

Edward choked out a bemused laugh. "I have put up with enough of Emmett and Rosalie's outrageous ordeals to warrant a little revenge."

"Do you know where they keep their armada of intimate items?" I asked amused.

He reached up and tapped his head as if to remind me of his talent. "Of course." He smiled. "But, where are you going to get the superglue?"

"I was hoping that maybe Esme would have some handy."

Edward started to chuckle at the idea of 'my plan'. I absently thought how fun and entertaining it will be for Edward when Emmett and Rose break out their next round of 'tingling' fun. Mind reading sure had its advantages at times. I felt Edward sit up in a flash and let out an audible groan. I shot him a confused look that was answered by the soft knock on the door.

"What, Alice." Was all he said.

Alice gracefully stepped into his room, her pixie-like frame made her look adorable and stunning at the same time. She smiled, obviously telling Edward something through her thoughts. Edward's eyes flashed traces of amusement, anger and then embarrassment? He was completely unhappy with whatever Alice just sent him.

"Why would you even think about buying that Alice?" He looked at her with an angry look.

"We've only ever played with one once before." She rolled her eyes. "Don't you remember how much Emmett enjoyed that day?" She started laughing hysterically. "That was back when his favorite band was _The Village People. _ I can still see him dancing around the yard, imitating the police officer and the Indian while squawking _YMCA." _

Edward smiled at the memory while I sat staring at Alice in amusement. _The Village People? _ "Disco, how I hated thee." Edward laughed. "Although I can't deny the entertainment value of Emmett in that absurd Indian outfit he supposedly bought just for Rosalie. I'll never forget the day I came home early from med school and saw him flexing his muscles and posing in front of the mirrors of the entryway."

I couldn't hold in my laughter any longer. I let out a shrill laugh and tried to speak. "Emmett…the Indian?" My chest shook with giggles.

Edward was completely amused by my laughing attack. "Emmett was quite the interesting thing in the seventies and eighties." He said with a hint of reminiscence. "I don't know what's worse," Edward mused, "his music choices or Rosalie's ratted up hair styles."

"Don't forget about their attempts at slam dancing and the lambada." Alice added while shaking with laughter.

"Add break dancing, oh, and don't forget Emmett trying to mimic Michael Jackson's _Moonwalk_." Edward added. I could tell he was more than happy to add more embarrassing information to my Emmett's most-embarrassing-information library.

"Do you remember the night him and Rose wanted to hit the Disco club and he was upset that he couldn't grow side burns so he tried those cheap glue-on imitations." Alice leaned forward, her body shaking with laughter. "Not to mention his horrible fashion sense. I mean, who goes out in an orange polyester leisure suite, fake side burns and wrap around glasses."

Edward let out a snort of laughter. "Don't forget his go-go boots!"

"Go-go boots?" I questioned. "Why would he have…"

"Some things are better left in the closet." Alice smirked. "The fashion was so tasteless back then." She smiled, her expression showed the enjoyment of taking a brief walk down memory lane. "Speaking of fashion, we need to go find you a swimsuit to wear."

"Swimsuit?" I gawked. "What did you buy, Alice?" I demanded.

Alice flashed all of her pearly white teeth in a pleased smile. Edward reached up and started to pinch the bridge of his nose like he does when he is aggravated or angry. I suddenly felt that whatever 'it' was, it was not a good thing.

"I bought us a slip and slide to play with today."

"Are you kidding me?" I spoke with a feeling of shock rushing through my body. "Me, the world's greatest danger magnet, sliding on thin, yellow, wet plastic…_nothing _to worry about in _that _situation." My voice dripped sarcasm.

Edward put his arm around my waist. "Don't worry, I won't let the slip and slide get the best of you; and besides, we keep the first aid kit well stocked and handy just for you."

I shot an un-amused glare at Edward.

"Come on, Bella. Let's go see what I have for you to wear." Alice waved her hand in the air, motioning me to come. She appeared excited at another opportunity to put me in some new fashion.

"I have to go speak to Esme, first." I muttered and shot a quick glance at Edward.

Alice sighed and rolled her eyes at us. "Go get your glue and then meet me in my room. Jasper and Emmett are out back setting everything up and 'trying' to make you edible cuisine." With her revelation that she knew my plan, she bounded out of Edward's room and closed the door.

Edward smiled at me and pulled me closer. "It all makes sense now. We parted ways in Seattle for a while, and then, once she came back all she did was think about fashion and Jasper." He shook his head. "Once we got home, she grabbed her stuff and ran upstairs only to sit and read my old medical books. She was hiding her purchase. Even now, she is hiding her thoughts from me by mentally going through her swimsuit collection to decided which one to make you wear."

"Edward!" I heard Alice's voice coming from the vicinity of her room.

"She's mad," he smirked, "like I'm spying or something…I can't help _but_ hear when her thoughts are that vivid." He moved his eyes in the direction of Alice's room like he was listening to a perfectly normal conversation. "Now she's reminding me of what I'll be wearing in the swimwear department." He sighed. "I suppose you should run down and speak to Esme while I change and sneak into Emmett and Rose's room to grab their tingle-filled love potion." He got up and went to his closet and began shuffling through his things. I had to admit, I was very curious to see his rock-hard beautiful body in swim wear. The thought of my body in a swimsuit was another topic.

I went and opened Edward's door and proceeded down the stairs to find Esme. I suddenly felt scared to talk to her. Petrified she was aware of my little plan. I knew that Esme overheard our conversation by the Jeep. I took a deep breath as I reached the bottom step and noticed a whooshing sound coming from the kitchen area.

I proceeded towards the kitchen only to find Esme wearing a little apron and making something in a large bowl. She loved to fill the mothering homemaker role. I wondered how much food they really thought one little human like me could eat. I approached her and realized she was making a large bowl of chocolate pudding.

"Did you need something Bella, dear?" Esme asked while keeping her eyes on her task. He arms started to swirl and move with her excessive vampire speed. Being that fast, who needs a mixer?

"I was wondering if you had any superglue." I stated flatly.

"Superglue? Why would you need that Bella?"

"Well, Edward and I will need some for…a project at school. We…have to make a…presentation board for biology." I stated, and secretly hoped she could not see through my little white lie.

"Hmm, wait here. I'll be right back." Esme disappeared in a blur, running to some unknown stash and returned in less than ten seconds, holding a large bottle of clear glue.

"Here, this is Wonder glue. It works much better than those little tubes of superglue. Let me know if you need anymore." She smiled as she spoke.

"Thanks." I muttered and turned to make my way to the stairs.

"Oh, and Bella…make sure Edward doesn't get any of that on you." I turned and looked at her quickly. _What did she think we were doing?_ I smiled as I felt my cheeks starting to burn with embarrassment. I practically ran for the stairs tripping on my own two feet. I felt my body starting to fall forward and reached for the stair railing to break my fall, clenching the bottle of glue in the other hand. For once, I caught myself without any major injury or bloodshed.

I scuttled as fast as I could up the stairs and opened the door to Edward's room. The sight painted before my eyes made my body go limp. Before I knew what struck me, the bottle of superglue slipped from my hand and fell to the floor—with me a close second behind. Stone-cold arms caught me at the last moment and lifted me. I then noticed myself sitting on Edward's couch unable to think or speak, mouth gaping as I stared at Edward.

He smiled a very large grin and placed a small kiss on my cheek as he stood before me. "Too dazzling for you?" He mocked and made a gesture to shift his body from side to side flaunting his perfection a few inches in front of me.

I sat bewildered and unable to do anything except stare like a helpless child. Edward stood before me wearing nothing but one of those tight little men's swimsuits that you normally only saw on professional athletes. His legs contrasted against the simple black little piece of spandex that seemed glued to his body articulating every luscious part of him.

"Um…" I muttered, wanting to sound like I still owned a few of my brain cells. "Why are you wearing _that_?" I questioned.

"Bella," he sighed. "It's the only type of swimwear I own." He looked at me with amusement glinting in his eyes. He made no attempt to hide his enjoyment at my ogling expense.

"W…W…Why?" I stuttered and continued to admire the scenery displayed before me.

"Carlisle and I used to race the English Channel and in order to stay competitive you need swimwear that is aerodynamic in water." He took a step to his couch and sat down beside me letting his bare skin brush against my leg and arm. I felt the twinge of electric current sparking between the skins of our arms.

Edward must have been able to read the alarm, embarrassment and pleasure that I was emitting. He let his cold hands wander up my arm, to my neck and then my jaw to trace teasing lines across my skin. I closed my eyes in enjoyment and then he pushed me back on the couch as his lips met mine. I groaned in pleasure and let his passion take me. I kissed his sweet icy lips back greedily, our normal point of retreat forgotten in the waves of desire pulsing between us. I remembered in my dazed state that he was wearing almost no clothing. I let my hands wander and play with his sculpted abs only to hear a faint moan escape his lips…I did what any brainwashed girlfriend would do, I kissed him harder, pulling him as close to me as possible. He finally pulled away to my disappointment.

"My self-control can only take so much." He muttered in a strained voice.

"I threw my control out the window at the door." I panted.

He smiled and placed a quick kiss on my lips. "Alice is getting impatient you know; besides, I'm intrigued to see you in revealing water wear."

I rolled my eyes and smiled. "You've already had your sneak peek of me in revealing wear."

He laughed. "Would you think I'm greedy if I wanted more?" I could hear the hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"Monstrously greedy." I whispered.

Edward pulled me to my feet and guided me to the two bottles sitting next to his stereo.

"Here." He said, handing me the Wonder glue. "I'll go dump this out while you unclog the tip." Edward's body blurred out of the room in the blink of an eye.

I went to work on the bottle of Wonder glue. I pulled off the cap to see the bottle had not been opened in some time. I chastised myself for always biting my nails as I went to try and grab the dried up glob of glue protruding from the top of the bottle. Without thinking, I turned the bottle sideways to give my fingers a better angle for grasping. I caught the edge of the glob with my fingertips and nudged the old glue free only to feel a burst of glue squirt out on to my hand.

"Shoot." I muttered to myself as I set the bottle back down. I needed to go wash my hands, and fast, as I started to feel the glue burn and tingle my skin. At that moment, Edward waltzed back into the room.

"I can see why Emmett and Rose like this stuff." He mused as I looked over my shoulder to see him rubbing his fingers together playfully.

"Feel this…" He stated as he grabbed my waist to spin me around.

"Wait…" I tried to stop his gesture of pulling me towards him, but my lousy human reflexes were always too slow. As I was whisked around to meet his gaze my glued up hand flew out to involuntarily brace myself from the motion-induced dizziness I suddenly felt. Before I could react or speak, I felt my sticky hand meet directly up with Edward's swimsuit and a few fractions of his skin. The glue held to its 'wondrous' name. I tried to yank my hand away to discover I was only pulling Edward's suit away from his body in my attempt to be free.

"What the…" Edward started to speak before he glanced down and burst into laughter. My hand was firmly glued to left side of his swimsuit.

"Sorry." I stated sheepishly as I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks.

"Well this is…interesting." Edward mused.

To my horror, I heard a soft knock at the door.

"Go away, Alice." Edward growled.

The door opened to Edward's disbelief and Alice leaned against the doorframe, smiling.

Alice looked us over with an amused grin. "And miss Bella getting her hand caught in the cookie jar? Not in a million years."

_A/N: The Cullen cookie jar…my small tribute to the VMT. _


	4. Bella's Catch of the Day

**Bella's Catch of the Day**

_A/N: All characters are the creation and property of Stephenie Meyer. I'm just have a great time embarrassing them. _

_Again, I'm sending a huge thanks to ECABS, MarcyJ, LindaRoo and Wendi. They influence me, beta read and give me ideas. Special thanks to MarcyJ—she was the sole beta for this chapter, so it's her fault if it sucks. I could not do this without them for many reasons. I love you gals! I also need to state that any similarities between our stories are intentional and used with permission. _

_Also, you can thank Wendi for all things orange and thank MarcyJ and Wendi for what happens to Edward—it was their twisted idea—I just wrote it! _

_Many items of humor are also directly from endless hours on The Twilight Lexicon. Conversations and theories that seem to be popular belief may be woven into my work. No infringement or plagiarism is intended. Any unstated similarities are completely coincidental. _

My predicament was one of the worst possible to endure in the midst of your boyfriend's presence. My heart was fluttering out of control, my breath was caught deep in my throat, and my cheeks felt as if they were ready to sizzle right off my face. Edward's body was close and cool, and Alice's stare was burrowing right through me. All I could think about was how my hand could grain freedom from the current sticky situation.

I chanced a look-see and could not help but notice Edward's immense beauty. In comparison, Emmett's build was large and bulky—and of course attractive—yet, Edward's physique was exceptionally lean and cut. His chest exhibited perfect bulging pectorals, his collarbone protruded prominently, and his stomach muscles rippled sinfully over his impeccably smooth splendor. I even noticed the small—and amazingly attractive—trail of fine bronze hair that sprouted just below his belly button. My unmistakable admiration betrayed me when Alice's abrupt laughter forced me to come to my senses.

"You better be careful, Edward." Alice snorted. "She may die from exposure."

Edward shot a quick glace at Alice and muttered something blazingly fast—in which I thought I caught the word 'bamboozle'—then he turned his attention back to me and my uncontrollable reflexes.

"Bella…" Edward stated as his velvet voice strained. "Bella, stop tugging your hand. You are accomplishing nothing but a vexatious draft."

I looked up, awe-struck, to meet his eyes. Then, I finally noticed the jeopardizing movements my hand was compulsively creating by pulling back and forth while attempting to break free from the humiliating position. I couldn't seem to stop, even though my brain comprehended the words that flowed from Edward's mouth, my reflexes misbehaved and continued to pull repetitively. My eyes were hypnotized by his chiseled abs and I subtlety noticed small whiffs of wind wafting across my wriggling hand. Finally, Edward placed his hand over my yanking one and pressed it securely to his body. My weak muscles still feebly strained against his super-human strength—like a hurricane trying to uproot the world's largest tree.

"Bella," he tittered, "stop moving your hand, it's not very lady-like of you, you know."

"What…" I blurted, stupefied.

Edward cupped my ruddy face with his free hand, pulled me close and directed his sweet breath toward me as he spoke. "Relax Bella," his voice resonated with serenity only learned from centuries of practice, "I'll remove your inelegant hand from its unlady-like locale."

His breath wafted over me creating a calming wave within my body. My mind seemed to relax and compile the embarrassing escapade at hand. It was honestly just a cataclysmic accident that my hand—on the odd chance—happened to land on the one and only clothed part of his body. I closed my eyes and surrendered to the calm that was creeping throughout me; and then, I felt his glorious sweet icy-cool lips crash into mine. He kissed me feverously until the kiss-invoked whirling dizzy spell started to make me sway.

"There, all better." He teased.

I lost myself to his gaze and a rush of wariness overtook my body. The next thing I realized, I was sprawled on the floor waking up to Alice's frost-bound hands smacking my stinging cheeks. My eyes fluttered open as I tried my damndest to remember how I ended up lying flat on the floor of Edward's room. I raised my hand with the intent to remove a harassing hair from my face only to discover some black spandex firmly attached to and dangling from my hand. I stared disoriented at the dark decoration.

Then, my eyes grew huge as I gawked and realized that it was Edward's swimsuit clinging to the palm of my hand. I glanced at Alice with a frightened look, then back to my hand. I went to speak but my mouth firmly refused to work—a condition only invoked by a clothes-less vampire now nowhere to be seen. I suddenly summoned up what recently transpired and endured yet another blazing hot blush of my cheeks. The embarrassing exotic escapade was real, and, if I was here sprawled on the floor with Alice cheek-smack happy and laughing above me, and Edward's only previous article of clothing was glued to my hand then where was Edward, and—more importantly—what was he wearing?

I looked around the room, eyes darting about, in a desperate attempt to find Edward's tricky treasure trove of a hiding spot. My curiosity was piqued. I made out faint shuffling sounds radiating from his closed closet door and whipped my head around to investigate. Alice answered by laughing uproariously.

"Edward?" I questioned as I gaped at the door of his closet.

"Yes, Bella." I heard his now angry voice bellow from behind the closed door.

I turned to peer at Alice with an obviously confused expression written across my face. "Why is he in the closet?"

Alice's smile stretched from ear to ear with glee and she tried to speak. "I don't know why he can't come out of the closet."

"Not…funny…Alice." Edward's voice shook with fury. I suppressed a small smile as comprehension dawned and my brain remembered how to add two plus two.

"Oh!" I muttered and then held up my hand in a motion to Alice that I was holding his only article of clothing.

"You found yourself a smart one there Edward." Alice chided jokingly.

I arched an eyebrow at Alice as she offered me her hand to yank me off the floor.

"What's even better…" Alice's snide voice dripped full of playful vengeance "is that he didn't even catch you before he bolted."

"Alice!" Edward yelled, causing the closet door to rattle. "I just found the ancient artifact you graciously left for me to wear. I will not wear a small piece of Emmett's old Indian costume!"

"Well it's either Emmett's old loin cloth, or just your loins." Alice replied while suppressing her chuckle.

"A-L-I-C-E!" Edward snarled.

Alice's out stretched hand was gently holding mine as she helped me rise to my feet. As I stood, comprehension dawned in my befuddled mind and I shamefully noticed my face ignite in a swirling display of crimson cheeks. I needed to hear it to believe, so I asked.

"Edward?" I questioned carefully. "Why don't you just put on something and come out of the closet?"

Alice threw out a small cackle and released my hand. "He—ummm—doesn't really have many selections in the clothing department."

"Wh…What?" I babbled incoherently.

My head whipped around at the vibrating closet door reverberating Edward's furious voice. "Because Alice somehow removed all my clothing from the closet." I heard a long, frustrated sigh billow through the door. "Alice! Stop thinking of Jasper and you in the flesh!"

I couldn't suppress the amusement any longer, the scene proved too entertaining to stifle my laughter. I let it flow until it filled his room and Alice helplessly joined along. When I finally found my lungs again, I inhaled a deep breath and turned to face Alice.

"How did you get all his clothing out? I mean, one of us were present in the room at all times and his clothes were securely in the closet before I ran off to talk to Esme."

"Well," Alice chided, "he instigated his own demise by changing in the bathroom. Maybe he was timid and too afraid you'd walk in on him?"

I snorted. "Like he couldn't just zoom his little black suit on in a millionth of a second, I would have caught nothing."

Alice glanced at me bemused and grabbed my hand with the little black suit draping off my palm. "Well, you clearly caught _something_, and too bad, you didn't even get a look-see."

"Alice…" Edward's annoyed voice rang from his temporary prison. "I am not coming out of here until you bring me something _reasonable_ to wear."

"Define reasonable." Alice mocked.

His voice flowed with controlled calmness. "Alice, do I need to acquaint Bella with your frightful fashion fad of spiked hair and punk…"

"Fine, fine, fine," Alice interjected to cease Edward's deliverance of the tale and flew to the door, "like I don't already _know _the outcome." She whispered, winked and then gallivanted into the hallway.

With Alice gone, the situation suddenly became awkward to me. I was standing in Edward's room, his skimpy satin black swimsuit glued to my palm and he somehow ended up seeking cover in his closet like a fish stranded out of water. I sniffed in a measly attempt suppress the increasing urge to giggle uncontrollably. It wasn't everyday that Edward was in such a powerless position—like an ice cube trapped in a Dutch oven. I started an attempt to yank the suit free from my hand and discovered the glue was wonderfully bonded to my skin—no wonder Esme advised me to be careful.

Alice bounded back into Edward's room with a shiny satin tangerine-orange undergarment crumpled in her tiny hands. I leered at her in confusion as she went to the closet door and then the tangerine wad disappeared like she had mastered a Houdini parlor trick. I huffed, vampires and their keen sense of speed meant utterly unfair odds for the human.

"Come on Bella, let's leave the leafless man in the closet, he'll come out when he's ready." Alice grabbed my hand and started to tug me through the door.

I suddenly felt—more like knew—that my time had come. Alice pulled me at a slow human speed down the flight of stairs to her and Jasper's room as my stomach started to dance like a troop of butterflies took up residence and chose this very moment to perform. The sensation felt awful. I could only think about what Alice's outfitting plans were for me. I conjured up wild and crazy visions of her forcing me to wear something equivalent to that of a Vegas show girl. I realized that I would be the only dull, dreary human amongst the unnatural beauty of the vampire tribe—no need to be self-conscious in _that_ situation. The horrid thoughts washed away from my perplexed mind as we entered her room—or should I say we entered Le Alice boutique.

"Alice, what did you do?" I questioned breathlessly.

Alice turned around to proudly smile at me. "I went shopping for you, of course."

"Shopping." I scoffed. "Shopping as in you bought me an entire swimsuit line up?"

"Neither you or Edward would come with me so I had to improvise. Besides, I wanted to dress you up a little." Alice pointed to the assortment of not-so-covering swim suits—all in varying shades of blue—sprawled across her bed. "Go look and tell me which one you want to wear."

I sniffed, too embarrassed to even think about gracing the Cullen back yard in a two piece suit—or a one piece for that matter. "I'll take the floor length one." I spat as I crossed my arms sending the spandex on my hand zipping in front of me.

"Bella," Alice chimed in a soothing melodic voice, "you will look beautiful in any of these. I got all the right sizes and they are all specifically made to flatter your body type."

"You mean, they make them for the mushy human body type? Great." I stated with sarcasm.

Alice's eyes narrowed as she stared at me. "Bella, go pick out the one you like and I'll go grab some stuff to get Edward's swimsuit off your hand." Her expression loosened to a giddy smile as she pivoted and darted out of her room.

_Lovely._ I thought to myself and meandered around the room browsing the selection of swimwear. Everything was obviously of high taste showing off sparkling clasps and buckles or gleaming fabrics that would normally adorn a fancy gown. Alice had chosen all two-piece suits—my heart started to flip flop at the thought—with exquisite cuts and adornments. I lifted up one navy blue suit that sported ties at both hips and flaunted diamond-like micro gems across the front. I laughed. Tie-on suits and me would not get along well, it held too many opportunities for inadvertent human exposure.

I continued to browse the large selection and occasionally picked one up to inspect it. Every single one held some exoticness to it. All I really desired was one that would cover as much of my albino human skin as possible and, more importantly, one that would stay on in case of some water-based-slipping fiasco. I then noticed a subtle cyan blue suit that seemed to fit the need. The color was amazing and vibrant while the straps were embroidered with dainty silver-thread flowers. The suit buckled behind the back and didn't have an annoying tie to irritate my neck. The bottom was simple and more covering than some of the others and displayed an intricate silver flower design on the left side. It was as close to perfect as I was going to get.

Alice zipped back into her room holding a large can of some 'spirits', grabbed my free hand, and tugged me to her bathroom. She opened the large can, causing the fumes to waft into the air with a dizzying reaction. I unwillingly held out my hand and Alice placed it in her sink and preceded to soak the black suit and my skin with whatever chemical creation she had. The contents of it caused my skin to burn and tingle and I wanted to wash my hands more than ever.

"It burns Alice." I whined softly.

"I know, Bella…I'm sorry, it won't take long." She picked and pulled at the fabric next to my skin. "Consider it practice?" She added questioningly.

"Yeah, practice." I muttered and rolled my eyes at her. "Remind me to buy this by the barrel and soak in it as prep work for my 'big day'." I sighed. "Like that day will ever really come."

"It will, but it's entirely up to you for the timing." Alice smiled and continued to scrape and pull—what seemed like my skin more so than fabric—until Edward's swimsuit was completely off. I looked at my hand and yelped.

"Alice, Edward is going to kill you!" I stood staring at what was now a red mass of gritty glue flakes, extra red, swollen patches of skin and a couple of sick looking areas where the skin had been pulled right off.

"I didn't draw blood, he'll get over—and besides, he's probably still dreaming of your hand in the cookie jar." She snickered at her attempt to distract my mind from the throbbing red blob that was my hand. "Here," Alice stated and handed me the swimsuit, "get dressed and come out when you are ready."

"Thanks." I mumbled as I took the suit and shut the door. My stomach quivered with anxiety again at the thought of wearing this thing around the perfection that was the Cullen's. I found relief in the fact that I would at least have the opportunity to enjoy Edward in all his beauty.

I dressed quickly, not wanting to seem _too_ humanly slow, and took a glance at my reflection in Alice's mirror. Alice, no doubt, had impeccable taste in clothes. The blue and silver suit fit like a charm and accented every curve my soft human body sported. I could not help but admire how cute I actually looked. I smiled at my reflection, opened the door and jaunted into Alice's room. The sight of her was breathtaking.

"Wow, Alice, you look amazing." I stated as I admired the beauty of her pale, pixie-like body adorned in a leopard print two-piece suit in dark black and bronze colors. The contrast was amazing compared to her pale, glowing skin.

"You look beyond beautiful yourself." She complimented as she smiled affectionately. "Its so fun to have a sister to shop for and dress up."

I couldn't help but smile. Alice was the closest I've ever come to having a sister in my life. She cared for me in every aspect, and without her I would not be standing here in anticipation to see my Edward.

"Thank you for doing this, Alice, I do appreciate it." I mumbled.

"Don't worry," Alice smirked, "Edward will enjoy it more." She held out her hand to me, gesturing to take it, I took her hand in mine and she led me to the door and up the stairs heading to Edward's room.

"Edward…" Alice called melodically. "Come out, come out wherever you are."

I shook with suppressed laughter at her mocking of Edward in his prior situation. I still did not fully understand why I ended up flat on the floor while he ended up in the closet. One would think with vampire speed on his side, he could have caught me and kept his suit on. I would be definitely asking him to explain that later. I heard Edward's door shut and turned to look. I noticed he was now wearing a tangerine orange suit, which, even with the horrible retro orange flair, made his body immensely appealing. His face was borderline somber when he first saw Alice; then, once she pushed me in front of her, his eyes lit up like topaz fires and his lips formed the crooked smile I always loved.

"You look amazing, Bella." He babbled as he walked to me, hands outstretched and searching for mine. I caught his eyes drift to my injured hand and then back to Alice. I smiled to distract him from the minor injury and gladly placed my hands in his. He surprised me and swiftly pulled me into his arms and found my lips greedily. His kiss was soft and tantalizing at first, his hands started to wander to the exposed skin of my back causing shivers to flutter up my spine. I kissed him back intently, enjoying my warm lips against his soft and cool ones. Suddenly, our kiss was dramatically interrupted by a loud whooshing—more like exploding—sound that came from the vicinity of the back yard. I glanced at Edward in confusion only to see his face had turned hard with distaste or anger and he was staring intently down the stairs.

I turned to see what was causing the sudden dramatic change in Edward's mood and saw Rosalie—looking stunning in her red, strapless bikini—glaring at him with an amused grin hinted across her lips.

"Well, my my…" She spoke smooth and elegant. "I thought that old thing died in the seventies." She mocked and gestured at the tangerine suit clinging to Edward's body.

"Rosalie…" Edward muttered in a borderline growl.

Rosalie grinned and stared at Edward with narrowed eyes and started to hum some odd song I'd never heard before. When she stopped humming the odd Latin-like song she glared at Edward and mocking quoted.

"Please get me a towel…Mr. Tangerine Speedo."

_A/N: Wondering where I got Tangerine Speedo? Thank Wendi for informing me of this song! _

_Mr. Tangerine Speedo song: Search for it on YouTube_


End file.
